Fear & Satisfaction

Follow your dreams, or they will become nightmares. - Paulo Coelho

Regret is one of the great fears.  It is something the motivates us and it can also be something that cripples us.  If we don't follow our dream, will we torture ourselves always wondering "what if?"  If we do follow our dream and it takes longer to achieve than expected, do we ever allow ourselves to move on?  Do we channel our original dream into a new one?  Is it ok to shoot for the moon and miss?  That's the whole point of that quote though, isn't it?  "Shoot for the moon.  Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." You will no longer be earthbound, scared to leap, because you did it.  You went for it.  And there is a deep satisfaction in the journey.

Trashcans

In my second to last semester in college, I decided to take a "conditioning" class, which turned out to be like PE on meth (ps - you should know that any meth references I make are purely drawn from my knowledge of Breaking Bad).  So, yes, hardcore physical education.  Class was three times a week, starting at 7am.  As a college student, and as a student of life since, 7am has always been a difficult hour for me.  But if you missed more than one class, you dropped a letter grade.  If you were late it was the same thing as missing class.  There were no excuses.  Now is probably a good time to mention that I was never that athletically inclined.  I always had good intentions to be athletic but there was always a disconnect between my intentions and my reality.  For example, I took dance classes for twelve years but my parents wonder where all that money went (I still think I'm an awesome dancer, but, whatever).  I also grew up playing basketball at the Y, thanks to my basketball coach father.  I was always the only girl on the team and there is a classic photo somewhere of me holding the basketball and all of my boy teammates holding their hands out to me, screaming for me to pass to them.  (Jerks.)  I even was on the middle school basketball team but when it came to trying out for the high school team, I got cast in a play at the community theatre instead and said sayonara to the court.  I thought I'd join the track team in tenth grade but then the week of our first track meet I had a mysterious, severe allergic reaction - unrelated to running! - that put me in the hospital for the day and took me off the track team as we tried to figure out how not to kill me in the future.  So yeah.  Athletics and I have a pock-marked past.  Which leads us to my conditioning class in college.

I went to the University of Florida, which is known for its athletic programs (Go Gators!).  If you visit the campus on any given day, you may be led to believe that everyone that attends college there is athletic.  There is always a bevy of joggers, bikers, rollerbladers (well, maybe not rollerbladers anymore but when I was there) and the like exercising their way around the streets of Gainesville.  The gyms are always packed, people run the stadium and there is a general sense of healthy physical activity taking place at any given hour.  I would look at these people and think, Yeah, I should do that.  But....I didn't.  I just didn't like exercising.  And I was blessed with a 'fast metabolism' so I never felt much of a need to workout.  (Jerk.)  But as my college years were coming to a close I realized that my lucky metabolism wasn't going to last forever and I was about to enter the real world.  And I was going to finally pursue my dream of being an actor.  And I couldn't just rest on my laurels and hope said-laurels would remain small.  I needed to get some sort of exercise plan going.  And I needed to develop good habits.  And I needed a conditioning class where my GPA depended on my dedication to the exercising because otherwise, chances are, I would have jogged around a bit and said, That's good enough, and never jog again.  So I took this class.  

And it was hard.  And my teacher was young and athletic and way too spunky and energetic for 7 o'clock in the god-forsaken morning.  She was not playing around.  And I thought, Dear God, what have I gotten myself into?  This was a mistake.  There was no way I was going to be able to keep up or even have hope in passing this class.  I was on track to graduate early and head straight to NY and this stupid idea of a class was going to ruin my plans.  Of course, I wasn't going to let my plans of pursuing my dream be ruined.  So I didn't miss class.  And I tried to keep up.  And I'll never forget one day in particular....

We were running inside the stadium.  We had run up and down the stadium seats several times and now were running a loop through the halls.  I was not doing so great.  I was at the back of the pack.  I was moving slowly.  And I was going to vomit.  I wasn't used to this level of activity and my stomach was rebelling.  It was saying, Slow down or I quit.  So I stopped at a trashcan and prepared to lose my breakfast.  My teacher runs up behind me and yells, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"  I mumbled back with labored breath, my face as red as a tomato, sweat pouring down, "I'm going to puke." "FINE. THERE'S ANOTHER TRASHCAN UP THERE. PUKE UP THERE."  She pointed to a trash can another 50 feet away.  It seemed like a mile away.  I shook my head, bile rising.  She yelled, "GO! GO!"  And she frightened me - before and during that moment - so I shuffled toward the other trashcan.  

And then something amazing happened.  I got to the other trashcan and I didn't stop. I kept running. Suddenly I wasn't going to be sick anymore.  I finished that day's class with one of the biggest senses of accomplishment I've ever felt.

I realized I was strong enough to keep going.

***

Now, I'd like to tell you that I became a championship runner after that class.  Or a real gym rat.  Or a personal trainer.  The reality is, I think I got a B in the class.  I graduated, moved to NY and walked pretty much everywhere and counted that as exercise.  I've dabbled in running since but it has only been these past three months where I have been dedicated to it.  Dudes, I'm running 5-6 times a week and have been since the last week in December.  I'm really proud.  But that's not the point of this story.

The point is....sometimes you get tired.  Sometimes you don't think you can go any further.  Sometimes you stop to puke in a trashcan.  And sometimes you need someone to yell at you and tell you to puke in the next trashcan 50 feet away.  And I hope by now you realize we're not talking about trashcans anymore.  

Discontent and disorder are signs of energy and hope, not of despair. - Dame Cicely Veronica Wedgwood

In this little business called acting, we face rejection after rejection.  Almost after almost.  An extended amount of downtime between jobs.  There is no shame in wanting to stop at the trashcan and quit.  But trust there is another one ahead you can stop at.  And maybe once you get there...you'll decide to pass it and keep going.

Full evening ahead!

My buddy graduates from the second level of improv class tonight so I'm going out to support and laugh loudly.  After that, I'm headed to a read-through of my friend's new play.  This is the same one we workshopped back in October.  She sent over the script so that we could prepare for tonight and I am really excited to hear and see the adjustments since we last met.  I'm also excited to be a part of the forward progress of this project.  It's inspiring seeing an idea become a reality!

Spring rain

I have an audition today, folks.  It's been a slow stretch for me so I'm glad this has come along.  I have to miss my improv class, which is a bummer, but I can make it up.  And with that little update, I must go get to work!

Updates

I started the next level of Improv yesterday and I'm really excited for this class.  I like our teacher, I like the group of people and I think we're going to have fun.  Half of the class is made up of my classmates from my last class, so that is fun that we are all together again.

So...we didn't win any of the Indie Intertube awards that we were nominated for.  Just call us the Susan Luccis and Meryl Streeps of the web world.  Did you realize that the Oscar Ms. Streep just collected was her first in 30 years?  Nominated all those times between then and now.  So yeah, totally ok that we didn't win.  Sometimes the most brilliant among us are clapping as they call someone else's name!  Meanwhile though, we are in syndication on Koldcast.tv and we are constantly coming in as one of their most watched shows.  Love that we are finding a new audience!

New favorite

The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanely sensitive. To them... a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. 

Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create -- so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, their very breath is cut off... 

They must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency they are not really alive unless they are creating.  - Pearl Buck

GIRL PARTS is nominated for six Indie Intertube Awards, including BEST COMEDY.  The awards are this Sunday and they just released a promo about the show.  The promo starts with the above quote.  I hadn't heard the quote before and now...well, now it might be one of my favorites.

I'm gonna miss House

Working on House was one of the most fun days I've had as an actor.  First job on network television, my role was small but the day felt big.  It certainly helped that both Hugh Laurie and Robert Sean Leonard were beyond gracious and welcoming.  I'm sad that the show is coming to an end this season and am grateful that I had the chance to be a part of it.  Came across this little audio interview with Hugh Laurie and thought it was worth sharing.  He talks about how being an "unknown" helped him with this part and how that is certainly not always - in fact, is rarely - the case.  Having seen the casting announcements thus far for pilots this season, it is evident that now more than ever it is difficult to break in without being "known."  Of course, Hugh had a lot going for him across the pond (I always remembered him fondly from Sense and Sensibility), so he was by no means new to this.  But that's the way, isn't it?  You build and you work for years and years and, if you're lucky, an opportunity comes along and suddenly you are an "overnight success."