Every Other Wednesday!

Remember the webseries I guest starred on earlier this year?  Well the first of three episodes I'm in was posted online yesterday, so check it out!  Here is the link.  Also, as a disclaimer because I know my nieces read my blog:  Sorry girls, but the material is not suited for younger audiences.

Grateful

I had a bit of a breakdown and a breakthrough this morning reading Bonnie Gillespie's column this week:  Conspiracy of Yes.  And because of that I'm running behind this morning but I wanted to at least share the link so you can read it too.  I'll explain more later but for now check it out and leave me a comment if it resonates with you.  And I'll share later on why it meant so much to me.


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7/22


So here is why Bonnie's column got me all choked up:  I was reading it aloud to my husband - saying, see!  This is what I've been saying, it is crazy out there! - and I got to the sentence: "Think that through--and I mean all the way through--just once and then find a way to stay grateful for however far you get in the process, every single time."   

And I burst into tears.  

Guys, you may have noticed from my tone in these summer blogs....but I've been in a bit of a funk.  After testing for the contract role I was feeling really proud of myself.  It was a big accomplishment getting into the top five, going straight to test after my first audition - no callback - and giving it my all.  I was grateful for the entire experience.  And I still am.  But a month after I found out that they went with someone else, the nature of the biz bit me and I lost some of my representation.  Just when I thought I was gaining some momentum, getting called in to certain casting offices on a regular basis, seeing possibilities on the horizon - suddenly that wasn't enough.  And I started to think that I wasn't enough.  For the first time in my life, I truly questioned the path I was on.  It started to seem like no matter what I did, it wouldn't matter.  No matter what small victories I have, it may all be for nothing.  I don't know why I let such a little thing build itself up so big in my head but there I was, wondering if I made the wrong choice with my life.

Something clicked for me when read Bonnie's words.  Finding a way to stay grateful has always been my forte.  And I'm mad that I let one event make me feel "less than."  My husband, my family, my friends, my teachers - everyone that I care about - they believe in me and share this dream.  And I let one bleep on the radar make me question my worth and my gratitude.

Never again.

This pursuit is all about the journey and I am happy with where the road has taken me.  And I'm fired up to see where it will lead.  And if all of these little breaks never lead to the "big" break, that is ok too.  Because I may not know what the big break is until later.  Maybe the big break was moving to NY five days after graduating from college, knowing no one.  Maybe it was a few days later when my parents  were leaving to go home after helping me move and we were in the elevator and I looked at my dad and he was holding back tears.  And he said, "I'm not crying because I'm sad.  I'm crying because I'm so proud."  Maybe it was the feeling I had standing on set about to work with Robert Sean Leonard - an actor whose work I had idolized since I was in middle school.  Maybe all the little breaks are the big break.  

When I look back, I'm beyond grateful.  When I look forward, I am beyond excited.  When I look at today, I am beyond blessed.

Inspiration in the Desert

Have you heard of Marta Becket?  It's a kind of amazing story.  She started her career on Broadway as a dancer but she always wanted to dance her own shows, with her own costumes and choreography.  And in 1967 she was in California with her husband and they got a flat tire.  The closest town to get it fixed was Death Valley Junction.  So while her husband was getting the car fixed, she was wandering around and came upon this abandoned theatre.  And she knew, seeing that little space that was long forgotten, she was home.  She never left.  She rented the space, fixed it up and started dancing.  She had a show Friday, Saturday and Monday nights.  Sometimes there would be a few people in the audience.  Sometimes there would be no one.  But the show went on.  And she danced.  She even painted an elaborate mural in the theatre of kings and queens and dukes and townspeople - she created her own audience.  It took four years to paint the walls and two years to paint the ceiling.  And every weekend she danced.  For over forty years, she danced.

Marta is in her eighties now and continued to do her show as scheduled until last fall when she broke her hip.  But the show goes on.  Sandy Scheller dances Marta's dance as, she hopes, an extension of Marta.  As Marta says, "I am grateful to have found the place where I can fulfill my dreams and share them with the passing scene...for as long as I can."

You have to go over to her theatre's website and read more about her.  And here are two good articles I found online about Marta, written more recently. This one in 2008 and this one earlier this year. There was a documentary made back in 2000 about her and she has an autobiography out - I really want to get my hands on both.  It makes me smile to think of this woman, who says, "If you have a drive and a passion for your art, make it your life."

She created something out of nothing and there would be days no one was there to see what she was doing - but she danced because it was all she ever wanted.  And now people travel from all over just to see her.  She is proof that you make your dreams come true.  

Hello again

It's been awhile since my last post but it seems like the mornings have been busy.  Last week I taped a monologue that I wrote for an audition.  They wanted a dvd of your own material, specific to the show's theme.  It was my first stab at stand up and it is was fun and surprising.  I have such respect for stand up comedians - I think it is one of the hardest gigs in the entertainment business.  And I can't wait to start taking improv classes - I'm still not sure which school to start studying with but I need to figure it out soon!

For my actor friends, and anyone else that likes a good story about how and why certain actresses get cast, check out this article from Backstage.  The first story is about Julia Roberts' start in Hollywood and then there are three more stories from casting directors about why they cast a certain actress.  It is interesting to hear the reasons or the struggles it took to cast certain people.  How one actress had been on their radar for almost two years before they found the right role for them.  Or how one casting director wasn't in the room for when the actress he had been hoping to find a part for finally got cast by his office.  Just hearing from the other side the ins and outs of what goes into the process of casting is always interesting to me.  Enjoy!

The Fight

We talk about being unreasonable. When you want this career to work out, you do the right things like take classes, get good headshots, prepare for auditions, network, do mailings, get representation and hope for the best. But you reach the point where hoping for the best or even doing your best aren't enough. Sometimes you can do the absolute best job of anyone who auditioned for the role but, in the end, you're taller than the leading man or your name doesn't have enough clout or ten thousand other things you have no control over. There is rarely control when it comes down to the nitty gritty of actually booking the job. So you take control of what you can: you take solace in knowing you are following your dream, you are building a community, you are doing what you love.

....And that is where unreasonable starts to happen. You're doing the "right" things but you feel stagnant. So you start taking risks. You find a project you're right for and campaign. You engineer "chance" meetings. You train as a boxer for a role not yet written. You write your own material, giving yourself your dream role instead of waiting for it. You start to demand the unreasonable so that you can attain the unreasonable. Starting down this path may be deemed an unreasonable pursuit in the beginning and is, therefore, often abandoned. But continuing on this path takes risk and determination to fight past the doubt and uncertainty. And most importantly, to fight the complacency: the notions that creep in and make you shrug your shoulders; the thoughts of, "Oh well, I gave it a shot." Fighting that can be the most difficult but, in the words of George Bernard Shaw,

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man."

We continue because we are fighting to progress.

....Of course GBS also said, "There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it."

We are also fighting to find out which one is more tragic.

Rest and dreams and birthdays

I woke up this morning, went running, got ready for the day and realized I forgot to do my morning pages. In a way, these blogs have become a little way to do morning pages in the aspect that I'm writing and I don't always have something important to say about my career.  I feel like I've been burning the candle at both ends for 8 years and even though I've been trying to give myself a bit of a break from working on my career these past few weeks, I find myself feeling anxious - like I should be doing something and working harder.  And then I find myself on my computer, tweaking headshots, uploading resumes, tinkering with my twitter profile.  I have these urges to be proactive and in the end I feel like my energies are misdirected.  I still haven't gotten my mailings out and that is going to happen today.  So I can stop feeling like it is hanging over my head.  And then, I really feel like I can give myself a proper break.  I'll go on auditions as they come up but I'll let the business side rest for a few weeks.  .....But, even as I type that I think in my head, 'I hope that because I've said I'll rest, that means I'll have stuff come up.'  Sigh.

In other news about dreams coming true, my cousin L. made the Orlando Magic Dance Team this weekend!  So if you are at any Magic games in the upcoming 2010 - 11 season, there will be a Gordon girl giving it all that she's got!  Everyone in the family is very proud and excited for her.

And it's my brother's birthday today - Happy Birthday, Big Little Brother!

Work

Happy Friday!  It feels like Monday to me though because I have so much work to do.  Besides actually going to work, my sister is on her way back to the east coast and I'm here doing laundry, cleaning and catching up on all that I gleefully neglected so I could play while she was here.  That includes finally getting my mailing together since my headshots are printed and ready to go.  And that means writing cover letters and looking up addresses and all that fun stuff.  Tedious but necessary.  Met with my agent on Wednesday to touch base and get a game plan going.  I'm excited to see what post-summer brings.  It's pretty quiet around these parts but things will start percolating again soon.  In other news, the callback went well yesterday - not much to report.  I'll keep you posted on if I hear anything more.  And we had such a fun time at SYTYCD last night!!  If you were watching, you could see us in the audience a couple of times.  We were surprised that Natasha Bedingfield performed and that was awesome.  So was seeing Anya and Pasha do what they do best.  And I am seeing In the Heights as soon as possible.  It was so sad to see Alex eliminated though.  Even though we already knew he had serious damage done.  Oddly enough, through random circumstances, we were in the ER on Tuesday night - at the same time as Alex.  We talked to him a bit and knew things looked bad.  Still didn't make it any easier to see his heartbreak.  And everyone's heartbreak that is a part of the show.  I've been to one other taping before and usually the audience is out the door as soon as the credits are rolling.  No one moved from their seats.  Everyone just stood, quiet, saddened, unsure of what to do next...

As for what I need to do now - I need to go get the laundry out of the dryer and get to work.  Enjoy your weekend, count your blessings and practice gratitude.  That's my plan.

Electricity

Callback today!  Not for the spot I went out on earlier this week, but for the one I went out for last week.  A pleasant and welcome surprise - when callbacks are more than a few days after the original audition, you almost forget about them.  I mean, I didn't really forget.  In fact, I was on the phone with my mom and had just said, Well, I guess I didn't get a callback....when my agent beeped in.  Sweet.

Sorry for my lackadaisical posting this week - my sister is in town!!!!  And I've been taking her all around, showing her what my town has to offer.  She leaves tomorrow and I feel like there is so much we haven't done yet - even though we've done a heck of a lot.  Good - just gives her a reason to come back sooner rather than later.

Emmy nominations came out this morning and I was snubbed again.  Sigh.  I kid, I kid.  But I seriously, we're pretty excited because we are going to the taping of So You Think You Can Dance tonight (thanks, M.!) and they were nominated for their choreography today.  Spirits will be high and it should be an electric evening!

Morning text

After a lovely holiday weekend, it is nice to get back into the swing of things by waking up to a text message this morning notifying me that I have an audition.  Can't complain about that.  But I don't know what is going on in LA - it is coooold out!  It's misty and in the 60s.  We had a potluck bbq with some friends yesterday and we finally had to wrap things up because it was too chilly!  Where is the summer?

1, 2, 3, 4

First: A huge thanks to Chris for getting my reel and my new headshot up on my website!! He came through big time :)

Second: The universe must have wanted me to clean my kitchen yesterday because there were no surprise auditions and the kitchen is spotless.

Third: My headshot proof should be ready this afternoon, so I'll go check that out, approve and print.

Fourth: I'm getting tired of numbering my thoughts. So that was the last demarcation. Got up this morning, wrote my morning pages, went for a run and now here I am. I have a bunch of errands to get done this afternoon so I'm glad I have my exercise out of the way. I'm excited because I've decided I'm going to join the Krav Maga gym next month. Too much going on this month to really start a routine, so next month will be a great time to get into a rhythm. It was empowering and it is going to be a great skill to have in life and in this career. We were watching Castle last night and it opened with Beckett beating up a punching bag. I thought, I could do that - I've done Krav Maga....once.... Yeah, I need to join the gym so I can say, "I could do that" with a little more confidence. But seriously. I could do that.