Grateful

I had a bit of a breakdown and a breakthrough this morning reading Bonnie Gillespie's column this week:  Conspiracy of Yes.  And because of that I'm running behind this morning but I wanted to at least share the link so you can read it too.  I'll explain more later but for now check it out and leave me a comment if it resonates with you.  And I'll share later on why it meant so much to me.


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7/22


So here is why Bonnie's column got me all choked up:  I was reading it aloud to my husband - saying, see!  This is what I've been saying, it is crazy out there! - and I got to the sentence: "Think that through--and I mean all the way through--just once and then find a way to stay grateful for however far you get in the process, every single time."   

And I burst into tears.  

Guys, you may have noticed from my tone in these summer blogs....but I've been in a bit of a funk.  After testing for the contract role I was feeling really proud of myself.  It was a big accomplishment getting into the top five, going straight to test after my first audition - no callback - and giving it my all.  I was grateful for the entire experience.  And I still am.  But a month after I found out that they went with someone else, the nature of the biz bit me and I lost some of my representation.  Just when I thought I was gaining some momentum, getting called in to certain casting offices on a regular basis, seeing possibilities on the horizon - suddenly that wasn't enough.  And I started to think that I wasn't enough.  For the first time in my life, I truly questioned the path I was on.  It started to seem like no matter what I did, it wouldn't matter.  No matter what small victories I have, it may all be for nothing.  I don't know why I let such a little thing build itself up so big in my head but there I was, wondering if I made the wrong choice with my life.

Something clicked for me when read Bonnie's words.  Finding a way to stay grateful has always been my forte.  And I'm mad that I let one event make me feel "less than."  My husband, my family, my friends, my teachers - everyone that I care about - they believe in me and share this dream.  And I let one bleep on the radar make me question my worth and my gratitude.

Never again.

This pursuit is all about the journey and I am happy with where the road has taken me.  And I'm fired up to see where it will lead.  And if all of these little breaks never lead to the "big" break, that is ok too.  Because I may not know what the big break is until later.  Maybe the big break was moving to NY five days after graduating from college, knowing no one.  Maybe it was a few days later when my parents  were leaving to go home after helping me move and we were in the elevator and I looked at my dad and he was holding back tears.  And he said, "I'm not crying because I'm sad.  I'm crying because I'm so proud."  Maybe it was the feeling I had standing on set about to work with Robert Sean Leonard - an actor whose work I had idolized since I was in middle school.  Maybe all the little breaks are the big break.  

When I look back, I'm beyond grateful.  When I look forward, I am beyond excited.  When I look at today, I am beyond blessed.